it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
