How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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