It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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