This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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