He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
