Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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