So drunk its hurt
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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