I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
