Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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