I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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