You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
