I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
