I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
