Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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