Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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