K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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