Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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