i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
