I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
