Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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