headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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