Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
