you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
