It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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