my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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