I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
