captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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