Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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