Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
