So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
