2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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