happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
