i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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