Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
