I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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