The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
