You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
