The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
