my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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