watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
