Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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