after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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