You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
