i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
