I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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