Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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