My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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