I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
