apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
