Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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