Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
