I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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